Confessions of a part-time girl

Ten weeks
10:14 p.m. -- 2009-05-13

I try to project an atmosphere of confidence. "Nothing succeeds like success," they say. It's a philosophy that has always stood me in good stead. Also, I must admit that part of my motivation in publishing this journal has been to show that life after (or, at least, with) transgender issues can be happy and successful.

In the main, I am. Happy and successful, that is.

Usually.

Today, I found out that my client isn't able to pay me. Things have been a little bit ad-hoc before, but we've always got there in the end. To the point where I have been quite happy to accept nothing more than a verbal agreement. Off and on, we've worked together for years.

Last week, I was beginning to get a little bit anxious. I haven't seen the colour of their money since the end of February, so I didn't think it unreasonable to politely raise the matter. Receiving a "leave it with me" from a man I respect... I left it with him.

I still like and respect the man... but he doesn't have any money for me.

It's not just the thousands of pounds I won't be getting, although that's bad enough. Meanwhile, I've spent a small fortune on fuel, sandwiches and hotel rooms. If I'd been less trusting, I could have stayed at home and at least signed on, and had my National Insurance contributions made up. Also, I'd have spent more evenings at home with Victoria, and I wouldn't have needed to set an alarm for 04:50 quite so often.

Now, you might suggest that I could make a fuss, threaten legal action and so on, but I really don't have a leg to stand on. (First law of lawyering: don't sue somebody if they haven't got any money.)

The situation is more complicated than I am able to explain here; if I make a huge fuss now, I might get part of what I'm owed, but it could do real harm to some related work that I have arranged to do later this year. So... rather than risk that in the faint hope of getting what I earned now, I am minded to bend over and take this... unfair though it is.

I suppose this means I'm unemployed. I have blogged before about how sad it is to be able and willing to work, and to find that nobody wants you to work. Been there, felt that. This, though... to have been working, and done what I felt was really good work for ten weeks, and then find that it's all been for nothing... well, that's almost enough to make you weep. As my dad always used to say, infuriatingly: "Experience is never cheap."

I was dreading my return home tonight, and having to explain to my dear wife the results of my efforts to secure the money that's owed to me. As ever, she surprised me. Listened calmly, and accepted that it's not my fault. Offered me financial assistance, in fact, and told me not to worry.

Well, I'm still worried... but only about money. It could be worse.

If Gordon Brown is wondering why his economy is spiralling down the plughole, this year, this is exactly why. I don't get paid, so I choose to soldier on with my aging laptop. (I had been about to replace it.) I probably won't change my car for another year or two, now, and we won't be booking any more holidays this year, either. And so some other businesses will see their revenue fall, and they'll have trouble paying their staff, and their suppliers, and, and, and...

Where does it end? I have no idea.

In bitching about my financial situation, I don't wish to detract from that of Stepfordtart, who has also recently lost her job. You're in my thoughts, Ms. Tart! I don't have children or a musician to support, and it's not like I'd been in the job for years, building workplace friendships...

It could be worse.

Grateful for: The last ten weeks, strangely enough. Having had a reason to get up in the morning, and put on smart clothes. For having had something to exercise my brain cells. For having lived in hope, when too many people were living with despair. For having done a little bit, to save the planet.

Most of all, grateful for Victoria. She took the bad news really well. It's times like these that prove that you don't just have a happy marriage; you have a great one.

God bless her.

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