'The Erotic Urge to Disguise'
9:26 a.m. -- 2008-07-23
In a her latest note, ten-oclock asked a second batch of questions about my cross-dressing...
'Hi Man From Venus. I see that you have a wife and girlfriends in the past, which makes it more perplexing than transgenderism, yet more intriguing. Wikipedia defines TS as "erotic urge to disguise" but I see that you've had the urges since age six, so do you think TS transcends pubescent awakenings? Or it is just a fantasy element, not an identity issue? Where do you think it comes from?'
(Subsequently, Ten-oclock clarified that she meant TV, not TS, which was a relief because I wouldn't necessarily know much about transsexuals, being a 'mere transvestite' myself. That part of the question is therefore restated, "do you think TV transcends pubescent awakenings?")
So, here goes...
In response to your first statement, I have to tell you that the vast majority of transvestites are straight. Most marry... admittedly with varying degrees of success. Naturally, the strangeness of having a partner who wants to talk about mascara, or borrow a pair of tights (pantyhose) places a strain upon the relationship. Some wives and girlfriends cope with this better than others. Some particularly self-confident trannies tell their girlfriends in the early stages of a relationship, and others 'fess up tearfully, later. But yes... believe it or not, most cross-dressers enjoy a full, heterosexual sex life, complete with flirting, dating, commitment and ultimately parenthood.
Of course, transvestites are a group of people, and as such there are wise ones and foolish ones; nice ones and even nasty ones. Some transvestites are a bit immature when it comes to relationships, paying far too much attention to the girl in the mirror and treating their wife or girlfriend as a co-conspirator and playmate in their dressing up games, rather than as a proper lover. Sad but true; but other couples have a great life together. So I'm told.
Now, as you saw, Wikipedia mentioned German physician Magnus Hirschfeld's book, 'The transvestites: an investigation of the erotic urge to disguise'. Bear in mind that the book in question is now very nearly a century old, and that attitudes to sexual orientation and gender have undergone several major shifts since then. Not least as a result of Kinsey's work in the US, some forty years later.
Still, Hirschfield gave us the term 'transvestite', which I use to describe myself. Any term is likely to be dreadfully imprecise, in that it will be used differently within the cross-dressing community, the medical establishment and the media. (Some of the funky people on the tranny scene now call themselves 't-girls', which has one advantage in that it's a term only used within the community itself.)
Strictly speaking, I suppose I should describe myself as as a fetishistic transvestite, in that I get a sexual thrill out of cross-dressing - although unlike some psychological interpretations attached to that label, I don't depend upon lingerie to get an erection, nor to achieve orgasm. I enjoy regular, naked sex as much as anybody else.
So... "the erotic urge to disguise"? It's certainly erotic for me, but that's a little unusual in the present-day interpretation, wherein most cross-dressers are admirers and imitators of all things feminine. Admitting to a fetish makes me something of a second-class citizen in the world of the transgendered, perhaps because a lot of folks are reluctant to discuss the sex angle at all. Sexual gratification is off the agenda. It's not considered 'ladylike', I suppose.
Back in 1910 when Hirschfield wrote his book, he interpreted the urge to cross-dress as a sexual compulsion, as far as I can tell... in other words more like the way I feel, and less like the Tranny Mafia. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned guy (gal?) at heart!
Next up, that baffling age six thing. I say my cross-dressing is sexually motivated, and yet I started doing it before I was sexually mature. All I can say about that is that it was a thrill that set the heart racing, and made me feel light-headed. Such intense feelings have become a little bit dulled by familiarity, in the years since. Plus there's less 'danger' associated with cross-dressing once you have your own home... but the endorphins associated with a sexual act make up for the reduction in adrenaline.
But why age six? Who knows? At a young age I idolised my big sister, and perhaps that was one reason I wanted to copy her. The neighbours on both sides of us had daughters, and there were no boys of my age quite so close by. Plus our three cousins were all girls, so perhaps there was something of a 'male gap' in my early years? I remember climbing a tree and looking over the fence, to see what Sally and one of our neighbours were doing, only to be told that boys weren't allowed to play. In such small ways, the girls established an aura of mystery and 'cool'. So if you can't beat them, join them? Maybe. Big sis also had school friends round, stayed up later, enjoyed midnight feasts, went on school trips... not that I was mistreated or neglected; I was just younger.
The fact that I instinctively knew I had to be secretive about any yearning to qualify for my sister's exciting world, at an age when I was still capable of any number of other faux pas suggests to me that, as you say, transvestism transcends pubescent awakenings. We know (or suspect) that we're different, and that nobody is going to understand us. (Although I've learned since that just about everybody comes up with a reason to feel misunderstood or insecure. It's just part of growing up.)
Next: is it just a fantasy element? Well, yes, in that few people really believe that their female persona is satisfactory, still less convincing. But how long do you need to suspend disbelief for? As I have described before, there is a substantial element of fantasy in tranny fiction. Many of the stories of the kind that you'll find on StorySite are erotica, pure and simple - and most stories are really quite poor, but in the 'niche market' of transvestites, I think that most will soon find a story that they find deeply arousing... in the short-term.
Any such fantasy is kept within distinct boundaries, though. Transvestites tend to be very pragmatic. Some of them like to pass undetected, if they can, but they certainly don't fool themselves. I have read many other transvestites' musings about their condition, and while they may be unhappy about society and acceptance, they tend to be quite realistic.
Next question... identity. Identity is a difficult thing to talk about. US philosopher and psychologist William James also has a 1910 connection, since that's when he died. He famously mused upon identity, saying:
"Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is."
Imagine how many people are meeting when a pair of transvestites get together, then! In an attempt to be less flippant, I'll try to enunciate...
Each of them is the man or woman that he sees himself to be, at that time. Levels of 'tranny-ness' fluctuate from one day to another, and at different times of life.
Each is the man (or woman) that the other person sees. Transvestites are ever so polite to each other, and will overlook stubble, a lopsided wig, large hands... whatever... if the other person is 'presenting' as a female. So you might have two guys meeting up, or one guy and one 'girl', or two 'girls'. Potentially, each has two names and two different personalities. Transvestites get used to a kind of 'doublethink' whereby Steven is also Laura, or whatever. Laura is a social construct in that none of those present seek to undermine the illusion, however poor, but 'she' is also a fantasy... if you see what I mean.
Then you have each person as he really is. And who on Earth knows who they really are?
And finally, where do I think it comes from? I think it comes from chemicals, starting in some cases with a mis-timed release of testosterone during the development of a foetus. This has been shown to create less masculine boys. (There are tests such as the famous index finger/ring finger ratio that identify such people, even in adulthood.) I have already mentioned how adrenaline plays a role during the early experiments in cross-dressing. Later, endorphins are involved; these compounds are the means by which your brain kills pain, relieves fevers, removes stress... and 'rewards' mating. Some transvestites describe dressing as relieving stress and bringing about a sense of well-being, even without a sexual element... and good luck to them, I suppose!
With all these chemicals awash in the young brain, the conscious mind is going to form associations. "This feels good..." which will be reflected upon, and fantasised about until another opportunity presents itself. Given than 'normal' sexual activity won't start until many years later (call me a prude, but I'd recommend children don't experiment with sex), cross-dressing gets a head start, and can become a very significant part of a young male's life. Images from the media saying "this is sexy" and showing semi-naked girls don't adversely influence his sexuality... but semi-naked girls aren't available to the pubescent male. Their clothing often is.
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